Odds and Ends

Why doesn't the NFL Network just go ahead with a season of "Big Man Dance Competition"? They've teased me with two years of great fake commercials. I can't be the only one who would tivo this show.

Jason Lee has reached the echelon of artists where I'll give anything he does a chance, along with Bill Murray, Chris Guest, Wes Anderson, and the entire cast of Sports Night. Just the sight of his moustache in My Name is Earl is enough to double me over. Without him, Kevin Smith would barely be famous.

I think there's a reason that Donyell Marshall and Ludacris have never been photographed together. Nobody can convince me that they're not the same guy.

Who's had the most retirements: Keith Jackson, Sugar Ray Leonard, or the Rolling Stones? This is why I need to hire a stat geek.

As I watch the new Wendy's commercials, all I can think is "there's no way Mini Me can finish an entire double cheeseburger."

Speaking of Mini Me, do you think he's made enough scratch yet to furnish his house with little-people-sized toilets?

Would somebody please explain to me the difference between Andy Rooney and Tom Green? Both have tried to make a career out of saying and doing things to annoy their audience. Why is Andy still around while Tom languishes in obscurity?

I wonder if the Sports Guy can sue me for using too many of his column formats, especially when David Letterman was gracious when Simmons ripped off his ideas. If Bill ever reads this, I hope he's not feeling litigious.

If someone accuses you of having "a case of the Mondays," you shouldn't be held responsible for whatever you do next.

What is it about college football that makes people root as hard against the teams they hate as they do for the teams they love, even if the former has no effect on the latter? A Notre Dame loss makes my Saturday worthwhile.

Whatever happened to Craig Kilborn? He had an amazing decade-long run, hosting the Feelgood Edition of SportsCenter, then moving on to front the only talk shows I went out of my way to watch (The Daily Show and the Late Late Show) after Letterman's fastball started losing velocity in the mid 1990's. Suddenly, Craiggers quit the Late Late Show last year. To do what? Ranch work? Where is he now? Somebody needs to get me in touch with Kilby, if only so I can find out if he's always been Dennis Miller's vocal twin, or if one of them is just doing an impression of the other.

If you don't know anybody running a marathon and go more than four blocks out of your way to spend a few hours standing around in 50 degree weather cheering on emaciated strangers who may or may not be completely nuts . . . well, you need more to do.

If I were ever to go into the adult film industry - a moral and physiological impossiblilty - my name would definitely be Nook Logan.

Will Ferrell could start a media empire with just his SNL celebrity impersonations. Tell me you wouldn't buy/watch the following:
-Robert Goulet ringtones (dinkle, donkle, dinkle, donkle, someone's calling you, GOULET!)
-The Coconut Bangers' Ball CD, featuring covers of Who Let the Dogs Out and Thong Song. Ferrell could release 8 of these albums and they'd all go platinum
-Celebrity Jeopardy! hosted by Ferrell as an embattled Alex Trebek. Guest impersonators must include Norm MacDonald as Burt Reynolds, although the peak of comedy here would be the real Sean Connery as a contestant.
-A frat pack movie tracing W's college years and ownership of the Texas Rangers. Yes, I know this could never be made, but the protests alone would give it Jurassic Park-level publicity.
-Finally, the coup de grace . . . an entire season if Inside the Actors' Studio, with Ferrell never breaking the James Lipton character. Just imagine him saying things like "You are a blinding, brilliant light from heaven," and "I am born anew in your genius," to somebody like Paul Walker. Appointment TV.

My dad has started taping Lovie Smith's press conferences, just in case he's ever battling insomnia.

What's more pathetic: that the dad from "Clarissa Explains it All" has been reduced to being the straight man in Cars.com commercials, or that I recognize the dad from "Clarissa Explains it All"? Do you think Melissa Joan Hart even returns his phone calls?

Just a word of advice: if you go to a bachelor party, don't be the guy that drinks more than the bachelor. Nobody likes that guy.

Tiger Woods' van dyke (remember kids, a van dyke is the real term for the moustache/goatee combo) is the newest inductee in the "Bad Sports Facial Hair Choices Hall of Fame." Fellow members include Dave Wanstedt's half moustache, Rod Beck's fu manchu, and that time the East German Women's Swim Team forgot to wax.

Here's a mini-PSA for female readers: even the smartest man you know is sophomoric at heart. The word "poop" makes all of us laugh. We will not grow out of this.

My favorite Val Kilmer performance of the last few years has to be as the Geico caveman who lost his appetite.

Hardcore Bears fans weren't upset about Kyle Orton getting trashed on the bye week; they were upset that he managed to spill half a bottle of Jack down the front of his shirt. Drinking isn't a game, rook . . . it's a skill.

As his body of work grows, there's an argument to be made for Peter Griffin passing Homer Simpson for "funniest cartoon dad of all time" status. I'm not saying he's there yet. Just that he's making it a ballgame.

Whatever happened to Nelson de la Rosa, Pedro Martinez's little buddy from last year's World Series run? Is he walking around the Dominican Republic, dejectedly wearing a Mets jersey and wondering why Pedro would take him around that clubhouse too? Or did he just assume that he would be on the Red Sox payroll after Pedro left? Since everybody last year was calling him "Pedro's Little Buddy," would it have been too much to ask to put him in a tiny Gilligan hat? I'm brimming with questions about this.

I can't be the only man of my generation who learned a quarter of what he knows about football from the Madden games.

Okay, I'll be the first one to admit it . . . whenever I hear somebody say "Alright, stop," I have to say "Collaborate and listen." Even if it's just under my breath.

I'd rather eat an actual hockey puck than an overcooked burger (overcooked being anything past medium rare). At least I'd know that's what the puck should taste like.

Speaking of hockey - and this is probably the last time I will - who's in worse shape right now, the NHL or the WNBA? I live in Chicago and love sports, but even if my life depended on it I could only name one Blackhawk.

Bill Romanowski taking steroids surprised me, in a "Wow, Paris Hilton is easy?" kind of way.

When will we finally get a Sportscentury episode on Placido Piolanco's head? Why is it shaped like that? Is he self-conscious? His public needs answers.

Why am I always the only one in the room laughing at those "World's Weakest Man" commercials? Not only does the spot feature scrawny, aging men in wrestling doublets, it also skewers an already unintentionally hilarious and oddly entertaining show (the HGH, I mean Met-Rx Strongest Man Competition) that has been screaming out to be parodied. The only way they could top themselves is with the American Gladiators fanfare accompanying a Mike Adamle voiceover, as we watch the Festivus feats of strength performed by a Bill Gates lookalike in Nitro's sweat-soaked, sequined singlet. Best. Commercial. Ever.